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The Boerne, Texas .5K Beer Run is Better Than Any Damn Marathon

Wear your drinking sneakers.


It’s a real American tragedy that boozing and athleticism remain, for the most part, separate activities. But in the town of Boerne, Texas a handful of people are working to change that. The organizers of the town’s inaugural .5k beer run are determined to give slow, lazy runners the competition that they deserve. Participants are promised a pint of beer at the beginning of the marathon and a pint of beer at the end. Oh, yeah, there are doughnut fueling stations in between.

Does this sound like a crap ton of work for a race that only stretches the distance of about five football fields? Sure. Does it sound fun? Yes. Does it feel like someone is going to vomit? Absolutely. But it’s for a good cause — all the proceeds from the run will go to a local charity called Blessings in a Backpack that runs a food program for schools — and it will really bother those dudes in the office who are always training for the next marathon or Tough Mudder or whatever.

“I’m an underachiever myself, and so are my friends. We just thought this would be a really fun, funny way to raise money for a good organization,” said Jay Milton, the beautiful brain behind “the running event for the rest of us.”

Only .5 percent of the U.S. population has ever run a marathon, let alone finished one. And city-wide races like the ones in NYC or Boston are stuffed to the brim with people who paid way too much for their shoes and will pay way too much for knee surgery. These people are to be admired on some level — doing stuff is hard — but they can also be obnoxious in a way that .5k runners probably won’t be.

Despite feeling like a bunch of drunk college kids invented it, the Boerne run will still have medical personnel available as well as a person to help runners stretch ahead of the race. After finishing — or not or whatever — participants will have participation medals awarded in “pretentious Euro Style” and receive bumper stickers that make it clear that there’s “a real athlete driving that car.”