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This Data-Backed Song Is Designed To Make Your Baby Happy

When your kid is a baby, it’s a special time for many reasons. One of these is, of course, that they can’t tell you your music sucks yet. But that doesn’t mean they like it. In fact, no one really knows what makes the ideal baby-pleasing song. Well, that used to be the case. C&G Baby Club put together a team of child development experts, psychologists, and Grammy-winning musician Imogen Heap (of Frou Frou fame) decided to piece together a piece of music designed to engage and entertain your infant. Spoiler: You’ll probably hate it.

Based on the science, the first ever data-backed baby song had to follow a few ground rules. It needed to be simple, repetitive, and in a major key with a broad range of dynamics to keep infants engaged yet surprised. The tempo also needed to mirror a baby’s heartbeat, which is faster than yours. That brought forth probably the most challenging stipulation: it had to be recorded in the presence of a baby. That was probably difficult because despite their love of buttons, babies are historically terrible producers.

Given those parameters, the resulting song is, well, ear-shredding. But it’ll most likely make your kid smile. Since past studies show that infants are partial to female voices, the song had to be had to be sung by a woman. But don’t worry: In order to make the song more social, Heap interjected plenty of beep beeps, whees, and even a barking dog. So if you must sing along, that’s your part. Just pretend it’s the Beastie Boys, and you’ll be fine.