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Next Summer’s Bumper Crop Of Insane Roller Coasters Includes The Record-Shattering ‘Valravn’

Now that summer is officially over (whatever, Autumnal Equinox, nobody cares), it’s time to start lusting after next summer’s amusements, because your vacation schedule is pegged to the kid’s school schedule for the rest of eternity (whatever, 18, nobody cares). A few weeks ago, 6 Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey took pole position with the announcement of its “Total Mayhem 4D roller coaster“; now, Ohio’s Cedar Point park has tipped its 2016 plans for a coaster that will break 10 different world records.

“Valravn,” a Swiss-designed ride clearly named to evoke Game Of Thrones-level excitement while skirting Lannister-style copyright vengeance, will be the tallest (223 feet), fastest (75 mph), and longest (3,415 feet) dive coaster in the world. On top of all that, Valravn will give Cedar Point more 200-foot-tall coasters and more combined roller coaster track than any park in the world. Highlights include “a 165-foot-tall Immelmann, a fighter jet-like maneuver that takes the train into a half loop, then a half roll before traveling in the opposite direction.” Like you didn’t know what an Immelmann is!

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Riders must be at least 54 inches tall, so start praying for a winter growth spurt now. That way you can spend an hour waiting in line, just to watch your scared kid bail at the last minute before assuring them, “No, that didn’t look fun anyway.” Maybe warm them up on one of these 10 ridiculous waterslides and try again?