Celebrities reading children stories is a tradition as old as the internet, and Funny Or Die just added a seminal new entry to the canon: Henry Rollins reading Dr. Seuss’s Oh, The Places You’ll Go. And you don’t need to be conversant in Rollins’ famously cranky spoken word to know that this doesn’t end well.
Mustering the vitriol of a thousand angry dads (no small feat, given he has no kids himself), Rollins rips the most popular graduation gift in the country for everything from perceived elitism, sexism, and injustice, before reaching peak “get off my lawn” mode and dropping a hearty F-bomb on the poor good doctor.
At about the 3:30 mark, Rollins admits that his own childhood wasn’t exactly awesome, so his pissed off interpretation probably has a lot more to do with his baggage than anything else. If your version doesn’t involve ranting on gun policy and hidden penises, your kid can still be off to great places and read all about it. Just don’t let them become hardcore band frontmen, or it might just ruin it for your grandkids.