For most parents, a Christmas card is an opportunity to show off a nice photo of the whole family in matching sweaters and maybe a brief note humblebragging about all their amazing achievements. But for the Allen family, it meant getting real honest about all the ways they didn’t quite live up to society’s standards in 2017.
The family’s holiday card gives updates on Tom and Lisa, along with their three kids, Landon, Hunter, and Maddy. Landon is the first to get a hilariously frank update, as the card refers to him as “our precocious and super annoying” three-year-old who “whines all the time and doesn’t go to sleep when he’s told.” Next up was nine-year-old Hunter, who was brutally described as “energetic yet surprisingly unathletic.” His big accomplishment? Getting cut from a soccer team “that doesn’t even keep score in their games.” Then there’s 18-year-old Maddy, who almost had too busy of a year to even fit everything on the card. She went over her data on her phone every month, got grounded for two weeks when she was caught trying to sneak a guy into her room, and got fired from Sephora because she told her boss “Just because I’m on the schedule doesn’t mean I have to show up.”
And just in case you thought the card was only going after the kids, it then turns on Tom, explaining that he “still tucks his T-shirt into his jeans and just took money from our retirement account to buy a fishing boat.” The only person not to get roasted like a chestnut on an open fire was Lisa, which may or may not be a hint as to who was the author of this honest Christmas card.
The brilliant card was posted on the Facebook page “Mommy Needs Vodka” last week and has been shared more than 6,000 times in that short period of time. Because sometimes, all we want for Christmas is a little bit of goddam honesty.