Social media may seem like an annoying millennial’s game, but there’s still one platform that was seemingly built for dad jokes: sweet, simple Twitter. Whether it’s their life experience, blunt perspective, and/or their ability to capture the perfect kid quote, dads have been dominating on Twitter for as long as they could hold a baby and phone at the same time. So if you’re lacking in laughs, beef up your feed by following these funny fathers.
Exploding Unicorn
Exploding Unicorn, aka comedy writer James Breakwell, recently put dads back on the Twitter map by documenting what his 4 daughters say, which is all worth posting. He doesn’t have to address them by name, their words speak for themselves. If Breakwell isn’t punching these quotes up and this is actually what they say, it’s only a matter of time before Judd Apatow attempts to hire his toddlers.
5-year-old: Why did the chicken cross the road?
3-year-old: He wanted to get killed.
Preschool made her hard.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2016
3-year-old: Can we have a birthday cake?
Me: It’s not your birthday.
3: The cake won’t know.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2016
3-year-old: Can we have a birthday cake?
Me: It’s not your birthday.
3: The cake won’t know.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2016
Classic Dad Moves
If you’re not sure if you’ve ever pulled a classic dad move (spoiler alert: you definitely have), it’s time for you to to consult with this guy. With more visual jokes than any other father on the list, he will leave you feeling more lame, but less alone.
When your dad cops a fresh pair of New Balances… pic.twitter.com/DzfwAHvJV5
— Classic Dad Moves (@ClassicDadMoves) April 27, 2016
Builds shed for no apparent reason
— Classic Dad Moves (@ClassicDadMoves) April 25, 2016
Getting 420 texts from Dad. ???????? pic.twitter.com/9AkKycgxQD
— Classic Dad Moves (@ClassicDadMoves) April 20, 2016
Sean Flannery
Self-described as “The World’s Dumbest Man,” Sean Flannery is stand up comedian and father of 3 who is exactly as Irish as he sounds. He is the creator and host of the popular Chicago-based storytelling show “Blackout Diaries” and you can always count on him to teach you how to teach your kids about beer, among other things.
Kids are the only thing you describe as immeasurably beautiful then when asked if you want 1 more, answer “No, I cant think of a worse fate”
— Sean Flannery (@sean_m_flannery) December 8, 2015
Batman: “I don’t use guns, but my car, boat, plane, helicopter, house, and motorcycle do”.
— Sean Flannery (@sean_m_flannery) September 12, 2014
How my 3 year old decided to describe a waterfall: “It’s beautiful to you dad, right? Like a giant glass of beer”.
— Sean Flannery (@sean_m_flannery) September 30, 2015
Playing Dad
Simply known in his bio as Tim (a small step up from “Dad”), Playing Dad is similar to Exploding Unicorn in the sense that it’s dialogue based — the only difference is that he’s the one who’s dishing out the punchlines. You have to admit, his bedtime story clearly bears repeating.
Wife: I want you to do it doggie style
Me: Hell yeah
*I stand up on the bed, walk in a circle 3 times, lay down and fall straight to sleep*— Tim (@Playing_Dad) April 23, 2016
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes— Tim (@Playing_Dad) April 10, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.— Tim (@Playing_Dad) April 6, 2016
Michael Joyce
Unfortunately, Mike Joyce is NOT the drummer of The Smiths. However, he is a New York-based comedian and funny father with the tweets to prove it. If you live in NYC, you can see his dad jokes in the flesh Tuesdays at “The Fancy Show.” If you don’t, check him out online. He’s also a new dad, which means there’s plenty more where this came from.
My newborn received her social security card so finally, she can start filling out job applications
— Michael Joyce (@NotMikeJoyce) March 15, 2016
My greatest fear is becoming interested in celebrity news
— Michael Joyce (@NotMikeJoyce) March 21, 2016
I already eat off my wife’s plate & as soon as my child starts on solid foods I shall expand my empire
— Michael Joyce (@NotMikeJoyce) April 8, 2016
Abe Yospe
Abe Yospe is a father, husband, and first grade teacher, but above all else he is the wordsmith that knows exactly how to get under any mom’s pajama-pant-covered skin. Though his avatar suggests that he’s a Packers fan, you can probably get past that if he has as good of a sense of humor about it.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016
I refuse to tell kids to sit “Chris Cross Applesauce.” It’s offensive to kid rappers that wear backward clothes and eat squished fruit.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 20, 2016
For every year you are married, your wife will put on her pajama pants 15 minutes earlier.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 18, 2016
Chris Gayner
As a comedian, stay at home dad, and according to his tweets, occasional hero at his local Jo-ann Fabrics, Chris Gayner has an amusingly off-center way of communicating the universal experience of parenting. Even if your kid hasn’t graduated to farting on hard surfaces yet, you’ll be able to relate.
My 1yr old climbed up on a chair just so he could fart on a hard surface.
— Chris Gayner (@chrisgayner) November 15, 2015
I haven’t seen the divorced parents exchanging their children at McDonald’s for a few weeks. I’m beginning to worry they got back together.
— Chris Gayner (@chrisgayner) November 19, 2015
The hardest part of being a parent is tweeting everything your children do.
— Chris Gayner (@chrisgayner) December 4, 2015
Ryan Reynolds
You know him, you love him, so “say the magic words, Fat Gandalf”: Follow. Ryan. Reynolds. It’s basically what it would be like if Deadpool had a baby, but without all the unfortunate consequences of Deadpool reproducing and raising a human being.
My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s absolute garbage.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2015
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke’s on her. She’ll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015
Dad Joke Han Solo
If you didn’t start following this guy back when he blew up earlier this year, you might be in danger of developing the sense of humor of Darth Vader. This dad is basically the opposite of the Dark Lord and the force is undeniably with this him and Ben. For your own sake, follow him before his son kills him.
Some days I think Ben just wants to kill me
— Dad Joke Han Solo (@dadjokehansolo) April 12, 2016
Ben told me he is starting a club called “Knights of Ren” I asked him where are the “Knights of Stimpy”
He didn’t get it he’s too young
— Dad Joke Han Solo (@dadjokehansolo) April 9, 2016
Planet “Tatooine” has two suns
Planet “Dadtooine” has only one son: my special boy Ben!
I just want him to respect me
— Dad Joke Han Solo (@dadjokehansolo) April 3, 2016
