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Adam Sandler and Jimmy Fallon Sing Hilarious New Quarantine Song: “Don’t Touch Grandma”

You must tell your grandma, "No touchy, just looky."

Possibly because there’s only so much time you can spend counting your Netflix money, a quarantined Adam Sandler made another remote appearance on The Tonight Show. On last night’s episode, the Sandman debuted yet another coronavirus song, this one a duet with host Jimmy Fallon.

“Don’t Touch Grandma” is as irreverent as its title suggests, but it also has some very important “new grandma rules” for kids to follow, but be warned: the ending is unsafe for young ears.

“Don’t touch grandma, leave her alone,” the duo sings. “You can spend a quarter to call her on the phone.” This line doesn’t really work — today’s kids don’t know what a payphone is, and even if they did advising them to touch a dirty public surface is iffy at best.

But the song on track by identifying the problem with grandmas in the age of social distancing.

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“[G]randmas like to pinch your cheeks and kiss your head and hug, but  I don’t want my grandma catching any superbug,” Fallon sings.

“So don’t touch grandma, keep it to Zoom,” the song continues, ditching the payphone talk. “Or learn to play canasta from across the room.”

Along with that old lady game, knitting sweaters and baking cookies are identified as safe grandma activities, as long as she understands “No touchy, just looky.”

“Don’t touch grandma Give her some space”—it’s here that you should stop the song if your kids can hear it and you don’t want to field any awkward questions—”Even if your grandma wants to go to second base.”

Yikes.

The song ends with a happy (?) reminder that if you do practice safe social distancing, “You still can smell her grandma smell from 6 feet away.”