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Everything You Need To Know About Parenting In 11 Zach Galifianakis Quotes


Zach Galifianakis can finally tell Carlos he’s not his real dad, because he’s got his own son now. Though the stand-up comic and reluctant Hollywood A-lister just started learning the ropes of fatherhood himself, he’s done plenty of postulating about it over the course of his career. Here’s the best of what this 46-year-old father of one has had to say on the subject of all things childhood, parenting, and raising funny kids.

On Naming Babies Before They Show Any Personality

“We just call it ‘It’ right now. We haven’t named it yet. It has a number right now: One.”

On Finding Religion In Unexpected Places
“He’s young, so I bathe with him in the tub. And I realized when we were bathing once that his testicles fit perfectly in my belly button. And I’m not a particularly religious person but when I saw that I was like, ‘Oh, there’s a God. It all makes sense now. It’s by design.'”

On Having A Baby Girl Regardless Of Her Penis
“My father was a girl until he was 6 years old. He was the youngest of 3 boys. All the women in his family, his mother and his sisters, wanted a girl. So they dressed him up as a girl. In pictures of him when he was 3, he has long curly hair below the shoulder and a dress.”

On Keeping Your Priorities Straight
“We had a conference call [about me being a spokesman for Nike], and the first thing I said was, ‘So, do you guys still have 7-year-olds making your stuff?’ That was pretty much the end of that.”

On Empathizing With Preschoolers
“Don’t you hate it when you eat red Play-Doh and it ends up tasting like a blue crayon?”

On The Joys Of Rural Childrearing
“It’s hard to have a normal family life in this business. I’d like to have kids and let them run around in the woods. Watch them grow up. Maybe shoot at them.”

On The More Specific Joys Of Rural Childrearing
“Kids need to socialize with other people. But I wouldn’t mind them being wild. They would be polite enough to know you have to look another person in the eye and say hello. But also kind of superkids, where you come home and they’re up in the tree writing poetry. No Nintendo, none of that horseshit. And they’re very acrobatic. When they get off the tree, they would do a flip. Acrobatic wood kids.”

On Running Into Pop Stars Who Sell Polished Turds To Children For A Living
“I saw that Ke$ha woman the other day. She was sitting by herself, and I walked up to her and said, “Lis-ten, I got your e-mail. Your music is really bad! I don’t know who listens to it, but I imagine it’s, like, 6-year-olds — and it’s a bad message.”

On The Importance Of Early Discipline
“I was a nanny. The kids were older, 21 and 22. Kidding, I think at the time they were like 7 and 9. So I have a little experience with childcare. I learned that discipline was very, very important. Kids crave discipline, you know. So, prenatal spanking is important — two birds with one stone.”

On Rebranding Your Dad Bod
“I’m gaining weight for a role — ‘The Zach Galifianakis Story.'”

On The Lessons In Humility You Only Learn With Siblings
“My brother was torturous, I guess, but in a funny way. He used to say to me, ‘I’m giving you a gag order,’ then stuff his dirty underpants into my mouth. He used to drag me stark naked across the lawn, then hold me up by my ankles for the passing cars to see.”