What My Wife And I Did When We Realized Our Jobs Were Hurting Our Kids

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The following was syndicated from Quora for The Fatherly Forum, a community of parents and influencers with insights about work, family, and life. If you’d like to join the Forum, drop us a line at [email protected].

What is it like to raise a child while both parents commute more than an hour to work every day?

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We found it to be unsustainably difficult.

During the time period my wife and I handled this situation we had 2 children, ages 2 and 4. We had no nearby family to help care for our children.

Logistically, finding child care for the commute and work hours is a challenge. We found only a handful of options that offered care for as long a day as our schedules required. We settled on one that we felt was most in line with our personalities, which also offered care from 6:45 AM until 6 PM.

Even with those hours, one of us would be stressing out in traffic every day as we tried to get the kids by 6. Being later than 6 PM made us feel like rotten parents (our kids would be the last ones, sitting up front with a forlorn caregiver) as well as annoying patrons of the center. And child care centers charge if you’re late. Ours charged $15 per child per 15 minutes ($2 per minute total for us).

The stress was awful and consistent. Bad for the body and soul.

Financially, care is expensive! We were in Northern Virginia. A basic child care day is often considered to be 8:30 AM until 4:30 PM. If you need earlier and/or later, additional fees apply. The first full year both children were in full time care it cost us over $35,000. We didn’t choose a top-of-the-line center, either. We could have gone less expensive with a home daycare, but preferred the activities, curriculum and socialization offered at our center.

We muddled our way through it for over a year before we agreed on a plan to change.

Emotionally, we were battered on all fronts. Not from outside (others), but from within. Are we terrible parents, having kids yet paying someone else to raise them? We’re exhausted and hurried all the time. Does our condition affect our interactions with our children? We get home with our children at 6:30 at night. Dinner, bath, bed. Up and out pre-dawn the next day. When do we connect as a married couple? When do we connect with the kids? Weekends (I worked one weekend day) were not enough.

And that was life for us.

We muddled our way through it for over a year before we agreed on a plan to change. Our plan felt risky, as it rocked the boat and shattered the status quo.

It took another year, but we sold our house in Northern Virginia and moved to another state where the cost of housing is one-third that of Northern Virginia, employment salaries are roughly the same and with better hours, little to no traffic (that one hour commute turned to 13 minutes, only partially due to distance), much improved family values at work (your child had an event at school? Please, go home early!) and excellent social and educational opportunities for the children.

The biggest factor in our being able to make this change: a mutually agreed upon budget.

Alexander Collier is a writer. Read more from Quora below:

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