This Really Articulate Unborn Child Knows More About Social Media Than You

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My parents read technology articles quite often and they see plenty of “authors” attempt to dissect or describe the audience of unborn children, especially in regards to social media. However, I have yet to see a prenatal embryo contribute their voice to this discussion. This is where I would like to provide my own humble opinion.

For transparency, I am an unborn baby boy developing inside of my upwardly-mobile mother, who is interested in social media’s role in our society as well as how it’s, like a baby itself, currently evolving. Thus, the views I provide here are my own but do stem from observation of not only my own habits but other embryos’ habits as well.

Facebook

My parents seem obsessed with updating all of their “friends” — whom I doubt they actually know or even talk to very much — about my development.

In fact, the minute mom got pregnant, she shared the ultrasound on Facebook. It got a lot of likes and deep, meaningful, reflective comments like “Congrats!” and that seemed to make her happy, but inside she was sad (and I would know).

Many have nailed this on the head — Facebook is dead to unborn babies. I think it’s because we quietly pine for a forgotten era, back when parents inwardly reflected and truly cherished what pregnancy and parenthood meant to them, not what it meant to chattering masses of people they barely know checking Facebook while on lunch break.

On the bright side, I already have a Facebook fan page. Hashtag #branding!

Snapchat

Like most people in their late 30s my parents have no idea how to use Snapchat or even what it is, but they won’t stop talking about it because “the millennials .”

Let me be the first unborn child to say this — F*** the Millennials!

*throws unborn baby gang signs*

Hostility aside, as for me, an unborn child, I think the coolest thing about Snapchat is that maybe I will end up as a snap when I am born. That will obviously be the highlight of my young life.

Pinterest

Mom won’t stop pinning cute images of vintage baby clothes, toys and inspirational mom quotes to her Pinterest board, and dad is all like — As long as it makes you happy, babe,before he goes back to his New York Times article about feeding single-original pour-over coffee to babies — but to me, it all just seems like a giant waste of time. I would prefer my parents focus on the things they have — like each other — rather than obsess over things they don’t. But whatever, who am I? Just some kid who won’t stop kicking.

Tumblr

My parents haven’t really been intimate since mom got pregnant. Which is a major bummer for both of them, no?

Anyway, it’s okay for me because I’m in here and just thinking about that is like, ewww, chill dad!

But whatever. Now dad spends a lot of time on Tumblr, and while I haven’t been able to place my finger on the exact reason why, I do have my suspicions.

Twitter

I’m an unborn child and granted, I’m obviously not that smart (yet), but I have no idea what Twitter is supposed to be.

My parents use it while watching television shows to ruin Twitter for everyone who is not watching television shows. And brands say #bae a lot there — which is cool, because I’m almost an actual #bae — but other than that I’m yet to see a use for Twitter.

However, I recognize that even in my ignorance of what Twitter is good for, in a few months I will have my own Twitter account. As soon as I’m able to type, I look forward to sharing my uninformed opinions at least 5 or 500 times a day and having nobody listen. Which is lot like being a baby anyway.

Instagram

Instagram is by far the favorite social media outlet for my age group, which is the unborn age group. Meaning negative age. As in, I am not even an age yet.

Because I don’t even really exist, there aren’t a lot of pictures of me — except for, well, ultrasounds — and that means my parents spend even less time wasting their life on this platform.

That doesn’t mean they don’t use it. But in terms of flat out annoying the shit out of their followers with baby pictures and status updates about unimportant, typically- private pregnancy moments, they are largely in the clear here.

At best, they can use it to click the little heart icon on other people’s pictures of their kids, which will make those people warm and fuzzy inside, because the only reason to have kids these days is for the status updates.

Someone likes my kid!” they’ll think. Which we all know isn’t really true.

Take it from me — I’m an unborn child. I know these things.

This article was written by Paul Cantor as a spoof of “A Teenager’s View On Social Media.” Cantor is a writer, editor, and producer whose work has appeared in Rolling Stone, Huffington Post, Vice, and Billboard.

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