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12 Stories From The Last Year That Only A Parent Can Appreciate

Parenthood might be the only thing in life that’s profoundly serious and hilariously absurd in equal measure. Think about it — when else are you moved to tears by stories that start with, “He swallowed what?” or “She pooped where?” As these 12 weird, wacky, ludicrous, and flat-out entertaining stories proved this year, keeping another human alive is just the boring part between all the good stuff.

That’s Not A Toy … Except When It Is
If you ever looked at the Octonauts Super Sub in the toy nook and thought, “That looks pretty fun,” (perhaps a few beers past your kid’s bedtime) you might be a little immature, but not nearly as crazy as these 8 folks who dared to take kids’ toys into seriously dark, strange territory. Like war zones or Twilight zones or wherever flamethrowing Supersoakers come from. Don’t get any ideas — especially if you’re still drinking.
Super Soaker Flame Throwers And 7 Other Sketchy Uses For Kids’ Toys

Happy Wife, Bad Back
In October, Sam Brakeley and Steph Reighart of Lebanon, New Hampshire won the 16th Annual North American Wife Carrying Championship by dominating the internationally sanctioned, 278-yard obstacle course of log hurdles, sand traps, and the dreaded “widow maker” water hazard in 1:05.30. Per official rules, they won the wife’s weight in beer and 5 times her weight in cash — 120 bottles and $750.60. Sounds like a nice little Saturday.
Meet Your 2015 North American Wife Carrying Champions

She Wasn’t Kidding
A 10-year-old girl from Mesquite, Texas became the internet’s favorite comedian with jokes she definitely didn’t find in her textbooks. Her dad, fellow comedian Steve Herndon, told Fatherly about Saffron writing her own jokes (including the one about him “being into drag queens,” aka Van Halen), cultivating kids’ senses of humor (lots of fart jokes), and his desire to write a parenting book (working title: How To Raise An Asshole). Apple doesn’t fall far…
That Hilarious 10-Year-Old-Girl Who Went Viral? Her Dad’s Pretty Funny, Too

Reports Of Our Demise Were Greatly Exaggerated
As parents everywhere freaked out over the back-to-school invasion of unkillable mutant super lice, a guy whose job it is to cozy up to the little bloodsuckers reminded them that the situation wasn’t nearly as interesting or entertaining as they wanted to believe. To be clear, “uninteresting” was a good thing in this case. Lice are gross.
Why You Shouldn’t Freak Out Over The Invasion Of Super Lice

At Least They Didn’t Go With “The Preggernator”
If you ever wondered how in the hell Arnold Schwarzenegger ended up starring as a pregnant guy in a movie that got 2 thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert — or the somehow even more ridiculous casting directions the film could have taken — you got your answer this fall. If you’re wondering how it won such high critical praise, you’re still on your own.
How I Got Arnold Schwarzenegger To Star In My Movie About A Pregnant Guy

Yet They Refuse To Eat Broccoli
Kids have notoriously unrefined palates — they’ll put anything in their mouths just to figure out what it is. If it’s small enough, it’s gone, and while lots of stuff can pass right on through, lots of other stuff can get stuck. Lots of really weird other stuff. Seriously, you won’t believe what some of these kids choked down (or, in one case, what they choked back up).
The 8 Strangest Things Kids Have Swallowed (And The X-Rays To Prove It)

Son Of The Living Dead
This year’s sleeper Halloween hit was the story of a man who repeatedly failed paternity tests despite knowing the child in question was conceived through intrauterine insemination using his sperm, only to have genetic testing reveal that the biological father was actually the man’s unborn twin brother. So the kid’s father is his uncle, who never existed. Which is creepy, but could have gotten even scarier if the uncle was a real, living person.
This Man’s Unborn Twin Is The Biological Father Of His Son

Nuts To That!
Guys have long taunted their wives over their ability to procreate late into life — her egg supply is finite while your trusty jewels keep churning out sperm, you stud — but a study published in Nature made you think twice about doing that again. Turns out, your sperm’s greatest strength, high reproduction rate, is also its greatest weakness, since each DNA replication increases the chance of an error occurring. Damn you, super sperm!
You Want The Good News Or The Bad News About How Your Testicles Age?

More Like GWAR-ney The Dinosaur
December brought further proof that Finland crushes the U.S. at school, which wouldn’t have even been news if it hadn’t come in the form of a heavy metal band of dinosaurs. Hevisaurus cranks out lightly thrashing rock for tiny Finnish metalheads and sells out tours without trying to teach kids anything besides how being a diamond-studded dinosaur rules, while singing about stuff relevant to them, like drinking milk. So yeah, they’re awesome.
Your Kid’s New Favorite Heavy Metal Band Is A Group Of Finnish Dinosaurs