One of the reasons my wife says she fell in love with me was because that I was not interested in sports. Conversely, I fell in love with her in part because she was not interested in gossip. Since our romance blossomed, however, I’ve revealed myself to be a baseball fan and she’s revealed herself to be a top-notch thief of waiting room rags. Which is why, as royal wedding fever starts to peak, I decided to ask her what the fuss is about. Because, seriously, what the hell? Why do women seem to care so much?
(Yeah, I get that I’m speaking in broad generalizations when I say women. But giving a crap about the House of Windsor does, at least in my circle, seem to be a female affliction. Thus my confusion. Thus the questions.)
On a recent morning, I found myself laying under a pile of headlines (Meghan Markle’s Dad is Going! Harry Did the Sweetest Thing! Kate Middleton is Involved! Prince George!). I dug my way out and, feeling that all this hype was at least in part my wife’s fault, confronted her. What follows is our conversation, which I have lightly edited to make us both look less like monsters.
Okay. Can you tell me why women find the royal wedding so compelling?
I can’t speak for all women, I can only speak for myself. So make sure you put that in there.
Yeah. It’s duly noted. You do not speak for all women. That said, I’m going to pretend you’re speaking for all women.
[Gives dirty look] For me, royal weddings are compelling because of fashion. We don’t wear hats the way we used to. It’s really the only place where you get to see hats and they are amazing works of art, and coupling them with outfits and things like that is fun. We just don’t wear those hats anymore and they are amazing. I feel like its an artwork that has been ignored.
Okay. So, hats. But it can’t just be about hats, right? There has to be something else.
These are women that are the most photographed women in the word and yet they’re kind of normal people. I find that intriguing. They aren’t models who have someone forming them like clay for a single photo. My sisters and friends always talk about how you have to lift your chin up and put on your skinny arm. You don’t see Kate Middleton doing the skinny arm. I want to crack the code because I feel like an idiot when I put my chin up and do a skinny arm. I want to know how I can look more composed in a photograph.
Well, for the record I think you look great in photographs. But we have hats and you can do the skinny arms or not or whatever. That doesn’t feel like enough. Is there anything else?
I’m also very intrigued by manners. So how they sit is very interesting to me, and the rules of the royal wedding. It’s fascinating to me. I think that’s lost in your everyday grocery shopping or whatever. We just don’t think about those social niceties at all. They can afford all the niceties that we had to budget for. So, like the flowers even.
You had also mentioned that Harry and … William?
Those are their names.
You told me that you think that they are good royals. I don’t understand what that means. I think George Brett was a good Royal.
They’re taking their royal role seriously and find it extremely important, but they’re also taking a strong look at the traditions and saying, “No, that doesn’t work for us. We can’t do it like that anymore.” But they’re doing it in such a graceful way that I’m really impressed with them.
Is that desire for grace part of the appeal?
I think that part of the appeal for a woman who wants to be ladylike and yet we are just primates, and bumbling fools and the standard is hard to live up to. But these are normal women who are somehow doing that. I know they have handlers but they are somehow remembering the little rules that escape me all the time.
Is that kind of a vicarious thrill then? Is it about fantasy and daydreaming that you’re some normal woman plucked from obscurity to be a princess?
I have never in my life pretended to be a princess. I did pretend to be Cinderella as a little girl, but i never achieved past the cinder part. My mom actually made me an outfit of rags so I could clean in it. And I never wanted to find the Prince. I wanted to scrub the floor. The other princess time was when you forced me to be a princess for our wedding.
I mean, I didn’t force you.
That makes me sound awful.
Well, you had ideas about what your bride would look like. I did not.
But you like protocol. You should have been into it. I mean, not should, but it’s kind of weird that you weren’t.
Well, I was stressed out about the money so there weren’t ways to meet the social protocol. If money was no concern for us at the time, then yes I would have absolutely hired someone to help me with the protocol.
Okay. So, anyway. Tell me more about those hats?
Oh my god. They are amazing. They are like Dr. Seuss sculptures on your head. And sometimes they look ridiculous and that’s also part of the fun. But other times they really pull it off and the Dr. Seuss sculptures look amazing!
So do you have any advice for men whose wives are really into the royal wedding? Is there something they could say to share in the experience?
Get involved in it. Just ask them why they’re interested in. Not in an accusatory way. Don’t say, “Why the fuck do you like this shit?” And them maybe throw out something you find interesting. I’m sure you could find something interesting.
If I follow your logic, I’m pretty sure this conversation makes me a good husband.