Why You Shouldn’t Feel Weird When Your Spouse Wants to Use a Sex Toy

“I don't care if it takes 16 singing monkeys to get my wife off — if that's what she needs or wants, that's what I bring into the bedroom."

According to a study of more than 52,000 Americans, heterosexual women experience fewer orgasms during sex than any other demographic out there. Though stellar for reproductive purposes, it’s safe to say that penetrative intercourse doesn’t seem to be the most reliable means by which women can secure an orgasm. Fortunately, there’s a $15 billion industry out there trying to help. These days, sex toys for women have made it out of the taboo and into nightstands around America. Still, it can be strange for some spouses to discover their partner’s interests in battery-assisted orgasms. When it comes to sex, fears of being replaced by the machine run deep. But, the truth is, a little vibration in the bedroom is much more friend than foe. Here are a few reasons why you should stop worrying and learn to love the buzz.

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A Relationship Is No Place For The Orgasm Gap

The orgasm gap is real. According to a large-scale survey of American adults, upwards of 90 percent of men will report having experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter. Just 64 percent of women will say the same. Fortunately, that gap doesn’t appear quite as dramatic for individuals involved in relationships. “I don’t want to have sex if I’m not going to cum,” says Jennifer, an NYC native who has been married for just over a year. “I would maybe put up with that every once in a while if I were just dating someone. But when you’re married, you’re in it for the long term. You don’t put up with the same stuff.”

Research shows that around of 70 percent of women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Because sex itself rarely provides that kind of stimulation, an increasing number of couples have begun incorporating toys into their sex lives. “Using toys is just a way for us to get off together,” says Jennifer. “There’s nothing emasculating about that.”

“I don’t care if it takes 16 singing monkeys to get my wife off — if that’s what she needs or wants, that’s what I bring into the bedroom.”

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The Key To Great Sex Starts With Her Own Hand

If you can’t orgasm on your own, chances are you won’t have much luck doing so with someone else. Masturbation is a tried-and-true method of figuring out what we like during sex and what we don’t. It provides us with valuable information about our orgasmic response that we can later relay to our partners. Plus, going at it alone means there’s no real pressure to perform. Of course, you don’t need a sex toy in order to masturbate, but many women prefer using a vibrator during solo sex thanks to the intense vibrations they provide to the clitoris. Thanks to the increasing number of women joining the industry, today’s toys are better designed to cater to each woman’s unique response than ever before.

Sex Toys Make Sex More Interesting 

Magnus Sullivan is an erotic filmmaker, author, and sex toy enthusiast. He’s also married. “I don’t care if it takes 16 singing monkeys to get my wife off — if that’s what she needs or wants, that’s what I bring into the bedroom,” he tells Fatherly. “One thing toys do is allow you to explore new experiences with your partner and dramatically increases the odds of her climaxing. The more she associates you with great orgasms, the more she’s going to want you to repeat the experience.”

“When men view toys as enablers to peak erotic experiences rather than as threats to their unique ability to deliver pleasure, everyone wins,” he says.

Recent research suggests that sex typically lasts anywhere from 5.4 to 7.5 minutes. That’s not a whole lot of time. If you want to get it to that 20-minute ideal, then changing things up isn’t a bad idea. “You can use a variety of toys to stimulate her in different ways and keep her guessing,” says Sullivan. And hey, it doesn’t have to be all about her, either. There’s no reason why guys can’t enjoy the sensations sex toys help provide. The shaft of the penis, testicles, and perineum all respond well to gentle vibrations. “When you’re married to someone, you get really comfortable with them. Trying new sex stuff doesn’t feel weird,” says Jennifer.

According to Sullivan, openness to experimentation provides a lot more perks than it does drawbacks. “When men view toys as enablers to peak erotic experiences rather than as threats to their unique ability to deliver pleasure, everyone wins,” he says.

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