Of all the S-words we can attach to sex, “scheduled” is the one that conjures the worst. Well, “slimy” would probably be worse. But it’s up there. We seem much more eager to lean on near opposite phrases. When we think of sex, or rather, when we think of good sex, we often think about “spontaneity.” It makes sense, after all. Being spontaneous means you get to live in the moment. And that’s sexy, right? Right. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always cater to that approach. Sometimes, you have kids and a job and a to-do list that takes up an entire journal. Sometimes, life leads you to scheduling sex. Of course, that doesn’t mean things have to get stale. It simply means you’re injecting a little organization into your intimate time. And that can actually work out in your favor. Here are six ways to make your scheduled sex hotter than ever.
READ MORE: The Fatherly Guide to Sex After Kids
Turn Anticipation Into Emotional Foreplay
Skeptics will say “scheduled sex” puts undue pressure on individuals to perform. They’ll say it turns intimacy into a chore. But sex is not an obligation. Those who chose to organize their sex schedule do so because they like sex, and they want to keep having it. Some even say the arrangement carries certain perks spontaneous sex does not.
“Scheduled sex gives something to look forward to and anticipate,” says Sarah E. Clark is a licensed therapist and relationship expert. “ Don’t waste the opportunity by putting it out of your mind until the appointed time pops up on your calendar, or falling into the trap of believing hot sex has to be spontaneous. Planned sex gives you an opportunity to prolong the emotional foreplay. Let your partner know throughout the day how much you are looking forward to it.”
Take It Somewhere New
Sure, you’ve scheduled sex. But just because you know when it’s going down, doesn’t mean you know where it’s going down. “Let your inner exhibitionist out and try public sex,” suggests Kait Scalisi, a sex educator. She says a bar bathroom or a park after dark are two lower-risk options. But, of course, that’s not the only solution. Go to a hotel. If that’s too pricey, scout out new places at home. “Try changing rooms or switching up the normal routine. Make sure that any potential space for lovemaking is inviting,” says Weena Cullins, licensed marriage and family therapist. “If you are used to a certain sexual routine, try to let go of some parts of your normal ritual to make room for new ones.”
Use Your “Date Night” As An Opportunity To Surprise One Another
Just because you have it on the calendar doesn’t mean you can’t keep your partner guessing. “Although you have scheduled time for sex, take turns being the one to initiate and set the mood,”“Scheduled can also be spontaneous,” says Piper S. Grant, founder of Numi Psychology. “Maybe one partner sets up candles, or takes the effort to buy a good smelling massage oil. Surprise each other with something new, fun, and playful.”
Another option: “Change up the type of sex you have,” suggests Scalisi. “Stick to mutual masturbation one night. Do tops only another. Keep your clothes on another.” If that doesn’t to it for you, then go deeper. There’s an entire world waiting to be explored.
Bring in the Toys
Trying bringing a vibrator into the bedroom. It will help keep things fresh, fun and fully orgasmic. According to Cullins, the gesture can help assure your partner that you haven’t resigned yourself to stale sex. And that, in and of itself, can be a pretty big turn on.
“When certain ideas about your partner or your sex life get reinforced over time it can be difficult to open your mind to a new way of thinking about sex,” she says. “Some individuals need to change the narrative they have about sex by giving themselves permission to simply be open to the idea that it can be fun and exciting.”
Take It Slow
No one wants to feel rushed during a sex date. “Take time undressing each other, take time exploring each other’s bodies, maybe draw a bath, start with a massage, or just be playful with each other. Take the time to disconnect from everything else so you can reconnect with each other,” says Grant. It’s important to block out enough time for the fun. It’s also important to block out enough time for aftercare. “Try not to quickly throw your clothes back and go back to life, or roll over and fall asleep,” she adds. “Take some time to indulge in each other because it will help your body better remember the good feelings, and get more aroused and turned on the next time.”