It doesn’t get much better than connecting and bonding with your kid over shared interests, like LEGOs. Or donuts. But lately, adults seem to be taking this idea way too far by co-opting their kids’ favorite things and ruining them the way only grown-ups can. And yes, flamethrowing Super Soakers sound cool, but for every buddy of yours who spent the weekend building a snowball machine gun with his kids, there’s another one who went to adult summer camp without them. Here are 10 things nostalgia-obsessed adults are ruining that should rightly be left in the tiny, capable hands of kids.
Hey, it’s not all bad. You can eat cake for dinner if you want.
You absolutely should spend time coloring with your kids. What you shouldn’t do is spend so much time coloring without your kids that they there aren’t any colored pencils left for the first day of school. There’s a time and place for grownups to space out and get lost in their doodles, and it’s called the weekly all-hands meeting in the big conference room.
Somewhere along the line, it became acceptable to bring a scooter to the skate park and do kickflips next to the skateboarders and BMXers. And that’s fair enough if you’re 10. If you’re wearing a helmet and a suit while you scoot your way downtown to the office, it’s time to reconsider some life decisions. Or just get a freaking bike.
Yes, they’re cozy. Yes, they were your favorite when you were 3. Yes, it always ends with tears and nightmares when a grown man wears kids’ clothes — pajamas or otherwise. Junior would be far less ashamed if you showed up to soccer practice in cargo shorts and sandals with tube socks like a normal geezer. And for goodness sake, unless you’re playing Harry Potter And The Dadly Wizard, take off that ridiculous Snuggie.
Everyone agrees bug juice and high dives and color wars rule, but your mortgage doesn’t take summer off and, sorry, but you’re an adult now, so neither do you. You’re right to envy the crazy options kids have these days — who wouldn’t want to go to ninja camp? But you had your chance to sing Debbie Friedman songs in the woods with your eventual Bar Mitzvah friends table. It’s Junior’s turn to live 10 months for 2. You have to work all 12, anyway.
Food In Pouches
Finally, the perfect on-the-go nutrition for the modern entrepreneur! Because between investor meetings and weekend Ironmans, who has time for inconveniences like chewing? One company who makes these things claims, “The spouted pouch is not just for kids’ snacks or apple sauces.” Except that’s exactly what it’s for. The only adults who get to suck their dinner from a tube are boxers with broken jaws. Stop the lies, baby food. You’re only kidding yourself.
Okay, driving an excavator sounds bloody awesome, but why market it as a sandbox? Even kids don’t like sandboxes. That one kid won’t quit throwing sand, it gets everywhere, and, oh yeah, the whole thing is basically a raccoon litter box. Nobody picks the sandbox unless the swings, monkey bars, slide, and that old, rotting bench are all taken. If you’re an adult and you really need to play in the sand, go golfing. You’ll spend plenty of time in there, promise.
You’re not getting in touch with your inner child and awakening your latent desire to play. You’re getting high with your friends and avoiding applying for jobs. Also, you know you can already do all of these activities without paying some Williamsburg deadbeat for the privilege, right? It’s called playing with your kids, and it costs exactly free-ninety-nine.
Playing a schoolyard game with a bunch of other “young professionals” was barely acceptable when you met your spouse that way. If you’re still defending your championship after you’ve had a kid together, you both deserve to get pegged right in the face. Grow up and play softball, at least. They have kegs.
Remember the good old days, when you had to be a college kid to get on Facebook, Instagram was full of selfies and food porn from all your carefree nights out, and Snapchat was … actually, can someone please explain Snapchat? Nowadays, every newsfeed is just baby pictures and parents ranting about late-night feedings and diaper changes. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? Wait … what?
Slip N Slides
On second thought, sorry kids, but the adults win this one. Someone grab the hose!