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Everything You Need to Know About Parenting From The ‘Funniest Guy On Twitter’

You know how you keep being told about these comedians you’ve never heard of who are huge on Twitter? Rob Delaney is one of the originals, and his 1.2 million followers know him for jokes that tend toward shock, awe, and shit — so, he’s basically just like your kid. If nothing else, you’ll feel relieved to know that someone else has a sense of humor about a toddler’s explosive diarrhea.

On How Parenting Changes A Man
“It’s made me angrier, it’s made me happier, it’s increased my capacity for sadness and just every emotion. I feel funnier since I’ve had kids, definitely … I feel more sleepless, I feel fatter, I smell worse. I’m just more of all the terrible things that I am.”

On The Stakes
“Parenting kids under 3 is easy, in the sense that if you screw up in any substantial way, they’ll die.”

On Ensuring Greatness
“That’s mayonnaise. Which is to say: that’s ridiculous. Did Abe Lincoln have an easy life? Coco Chanel? PolPot? If you want your kid to be great, you give them a garbage life.”

On His Capacity For Love
“Perhaps you’ve heard that having kids makes your heart grow in size. This is true, but the growth isn’t neat. Think of it this way: if your heart were a house, having kids doesn’t put an addition on your heart; it explodes your heart with dynamite stolen from a local construction site and then tasks you with rebuilding it five times larger out of the remains you find where your house once was, plus any miscellaneous garbage that might be laying about, some road kill and a few truck loads of silt from the nearest river.”

On Their Inheritance
“I want my kids to have my oaken buttocks and powerful thighs. When I see a hill or a flight of stairs, I am confident that my beef machine will carry me effortlessly to the top.”

On Someone Else Disciplining Them
“That would be a-okay with me. My wife will tell you I’m terrified of conflict, so if a priest or SWAT team has ideas on how to keep my boys in line, be my guest.”

On Why You Should Want Daughters
“My sons are male, which is the second most popular gender on earth. Before my wife and I had any kids, I’d wanted to have girls. I just thought girls would awaken the fathering instinct in me faster or more thoroughly or something. I know some men would rather have boys and they can be quite vocal about it. They worry about having to protect their daughters, real or imagined, from men. Men like them? Are you afraid men will treat your daughter the way you’ve treated women? Or do you doubt that a girl raised with love of all varieties, tough included, can handle herself in the world? Is it misogyny or self-loathing? Flip a coin; they’re both awful. You should do cartwheels in the street if you have a daughter.”

On Ensuring They Eat Right
“Parenting a toddler –> 7am: “Don’t put that in your mouth!” • 4pm: “Eat 5 cigarette butts, I don’t give a shit.”

On Providing Reassurance
#Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close & whisper “You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.”

On Teaching Them The Pecking Order
Using my son’s raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn’t get messed up. He’s doing the cutest little shivers!

On What You Get Instead Of Sex
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.