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How To Understand The Cycle Of Resentment Between Partners

There are plenty of complicated reasons for why you and your spouse might have issues, but there are some really simple ones, too. Everyday resentments – about how much you work or how much more the kid likes her or whose turn it is to dump the diaper pail – can worm their way into your relationship and cause disproportionate grief. Marriage counselor Claire Hatch calls this the Cycle Of Resentment, and it starts with a trigger event that reminds you of unmet desires, followed by negative conclusions, painful feelings, reactions and new unmet desires. It’s a feedback loop that, once you understand it, is easy to tease apart and productively communicate about, which Hatch says could save you a trip to the couples therapist. Considering that she’s financially incentivized to have you make that trip, that’s quite an endorsement.