Everything You Need To Know About Parenting In 18 Urban Dictionary Entries

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The Urban Dictionary is a crowd-sourced effort to identify and define all the words in the English language that those stuffed shirts at Merriam-Webster are too snooty to recognize. The vast majority of these words have been entered by stoned teenagers, with the level of humor and command of grammar that you might expect from them. Does that mean all the parenting-related terminology therein will make you wince and object? Probably. Does that make the following 18 examples even slightly off the mark? Regrettably, no.

Parents
The chains around your ankles until you’ve managed to: a) Run away b) Obtain a stable job and stable income c) Die d) Turn 18.
I’d be getting laid if it weren’t for my parents.

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Parent Potty OvershareJoseph Choi/Flickr

Parent-Child Potty Overshare
The act of parents sharing too much information regarding their child’s daily bathroom habits via a social network.
So-and-so posted a status about their kid peeing in the toilet again today. A serious Parent-Child Potty Overshare!

Parent Paparazzibetancourt/Flickr

Parent Paparazzi
When a bunch of parents all try to get a group picture of their kids on their own phone or camera, even though they know that modern technology allows one person to take the picture and send it to everyone else instantly. When doing this, parents look like the paparazzi and the kids are usually forced to wait and hold a smile for a long period of time.
Parent 1: *takes picture*
Parent 2: I want to get it on my phone, look at me.
Kid 1: Damn it, the parent paparazzi. We’re going to be here for a while.
Kid 2: Can’t they just send it to each other?

Parental Shoulder Lurking
Parental shoulder lurking is when a parent or guardian reads your IMs, Facebook, or any other computerized messaging system. They ‘lurk’ over your shoulder and read your personal messages that you have with friends or other people.
Me: mom! would you quit your parental shoulder lurking! i’m not doing anything bad!
Mom: suure you’re not, kiddo, suure you’re not.

Parents With Benefits

Parents With Benefits
When two individuals who are parents start seeing each other.
Toby has a child from a previous relationship. Toby starts seeing a woman called Emily who also has a child from a failed relationship. Both are unable to commit to anything serious, but enjoy the casual nature of their relationship. To keep things going, they agree to be Parents With Benefits. Their separate children can play together and later the adults get their own play time. However Emily finds someone else, and her situation changes. Seeing that her and Toby can’t continue, they end the Parents With Benefits, but remain friends still. Their children still play together.

Parentalisis
A condition created in a formerly fun person caused by becoming a parent. Can affect behavior with opposite sex and capacity for drink.
Adam used to be so much fun at Raider games until he had kid and got such a serious case of parentalisis.

Parentertaining
What you do when your parents come to town and you have to show them around. Includes visiting botanical gardens, nodding when they point at things in shop windows that you can’t get “back home,” and steering them away from drug-addled bums.

Mate i can’t come to the pub this afternoon, i’m parentertaining.

Parentitis
A horrible condition afflicting only adults that results in feminine screeches and incessant nonsensical arguing with pseudo-logic that is accepted as reality by the contractor of this ailment. It is actually an airborne parasite that can be contracted by close contact with the infected person. There is no cure , the parasite is invisible to medical devices, and blends perfectly with the lung, making surgical removal impossible. It can only be detected when an infected person is present while another non-infected individual is there, disobeying commands given to them, verbal or otherwise. The disease largely results in cases of junioritis for teens and young adults who have been exposed. In young people, the parasite can be fought off, but only by browsing obscene amounts of dank memes.

My mum contracted parentitis last week, and I can still hear her screeching about grounding me … wait … she is screeching about grounding me, GOTTARUNBYE.

Baby
The result of unprotected sex: a little helpless thing that cries, poops, pees, sleeps, eats, etc.

Ways NOT to have a baby: Don’t have sex at all (it works); use birth control

In need of a babysitter90S90S90S/FLICKR

Baby Sitter
Designated non-tripper who makes sure nothing bad happens to friends while using LSD.

Stan will baby sit with us when we trip.

Children
1. Humans under the age of 13 or so. Many of which were accidently conceived. Lots of children these days areannoying, spoiled, bitchy andstupid. Commonly known asstupid short people.

2. Spawn of Satan hatched from a dark egg in the center of the earth with devils that are cutting themselves standing in a circle around it.

Little Kid: Mommy, buy meDavid Beckham!

Mother: Dear, I just bought youAnna Kournikova yesterday! Ill buy you him for you next week. How about I buy youRonaldinho first?

Little Kid: *Starts crying* BUT I DONT WANT RONALDINHO!!! BUY ME DAVID!!!!!”*Starts rolling on the floor*

Mother: ..

Little Kid: You won’t like me when I’m angry. “FLAME ON!” *Incinerates Mother

Diaper
A disposable diaper, or cloth with plastic pants. Used for babies, toddlers, children, adults, old people, everyone! Can be for medical reasons, for convenience, could be a fetish for some people. It allows them to go #1 and #2 , and contains their wet and messy.

Other slang names: didee(s), dipee(s), tinkle-poopers, crinkle pants, baby pants, pampers (a general term, not just the company name.), and os many more cute ones

I like to wear them at night so I don’t have to get up. I don’t know about you, but I go to bed to sleep, not to get up to go to the bathroom. Plus for people who like to regress for security, and comfort, diapers are a significant part of that. I use for convenience and for regression. People need to lighten up about diapers. They are a Godsend.

Diaper Bagging
When a diaper on a baby/toddler flops in or around the face of the adult playing with him/her multiple times. Similar to tea bagging. Especially gross when the diaper is filled with excrement.

Did you see your little brother diaper bagging your mom on the floor?

Facebook Parent
A facebook friend, you may or may not know well, who gives parental advice on every update they read. You think about deleting them as a friend every time you see you have an update from them.

Mary: Having a bad day; wish I had more money.

Facebook Parent: Mary I know a great financial planner who could help you. Also my sister in law is a credit counselor I really think you need to learn about money management.

Mary: Last night was insane I cant even remember his name but I hope I see him again!

Facebook Parent: Mary you should be careful you could have been killed! What if you end up being pregnant you wont even know who the father is!!

I posted pics of my birthday party on Facebook today and Elisabeth commented that I need to wear clothes that cover more and that I should take some pictures when Im not holding a bottle! She is such a Facebook Parent!

Helicopter Parent
The bane of the dean’s existence. The parent who hovers and flaps his wings while the kid lives in his shadow. Particularly prevalent at high-priced colleges, where parents feel obliged (or entitled) to intervene on issues down to the candlepower of the lightbulbs.

Yes, helicopter parent, your intentions are good, but that rotor of yours is causing a din. — Felix Carroll, Albany Times Union, January 27, 2005

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Strollerblading SERGI MELKI/FLICKR

Stroller
What you need to buy if you forget to wear a condom.

F–k man, i should have bought a 50-cent condom, now i have to shell out $100 for a stroller.

Strollerjam
Noun – A strollerjam (sometimes spelled stroller jam) happens when three or more baby strollers are too close together or unable to cross each other’s paths and block sidewalk traffic, entrances to stores, restaurants and other businesses. Sometimes a strollerjam will happen in the aisles of a grocery store, this is the worst and most dangerous kind of strollerjam.

Today in Park Slope, three MILFs got into a strollerjam on the corner outside the organic market. Luckily, there were no serious casualties.

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A Toddler REDDIT/GIPHY

Toddler
Tiny bipolar humans under the age of 3, who can swing rapidly between endearingly cute antics and screaming, kicking, biting fits of rage. Completely unpredictable and often unintelligible lovable little walking blessings/nightmares disguised as tiny human beings with giant heads. Prone to selective hearing and repeating overheard curse words at inopportune moments. More dangerous when traveling in packs. Evolutionarily speaking, it is ridiculous that humans have the ability to reproduce fast enough to be the parent of more than one toddler at a time.

“Do you think you’ll have more children?”

“Well, even if I survive my two toddlers, F–K No!” (Did I just say that out loud?)

“Chloe, don’t repeat that at grandma’s!”

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