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Everything You Need To Know About Parenting in 9 Patton Oswalt Quotes

Like Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan before him, Patton Oswalt is known for being many things: hilarious, wise, a bottomless well of nerd cred. Unlike Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan, Oswalt is not usually considered a poet laureate of parenting. But, like the Marvel Universe characters he can recite whole histories of but you’ve never heard of, Oswalt is a font of knowledge on everything from the folly of home births to the hidden hilarity of talking to kids about death.

On Why Home Births Are Wildly Overrated
“If one more of my Whole Foods friends tells me I have to have a home birth I’m going to punch all the soy on the planet … You know what pioneers were dreaming about when they had their babies at home? Hospitals! Weird, fantastical future buildings full of clean white sheets and doctors with needles full of magic liquid that made the pain not happen!”

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On Trusting Technology In The Delivery Process
“I want the most modern birth they can possibly give me. I want them to use experimental shit at the hospital they’re not even sure of yet. ‘We could put the baby in an incubator, but we’ve also got this cold laser bath we can put it in; it’ll burn the goo off but it hasn’t been totally tested yet.’ And I’ll be like, ‘Incubator? What am I, Amish? Put her in the cold laser bath.'”

On How To Talk To Them About Death
“Anything we bring up, she ties it into death. There is a show she likes watching called Little Einstein. They’re always on adventures and their parents aren’t with them. She says, ‘Maybe the parents died and now the kids get to go on all of the adventures they want.’ As a parent, my problem is: Do I make death this forbidden subject, or do I roll with it and make it just a funny thing we’re constantly talking about? So we’re driving around, ‘Do you want to get some frozen yogurt?’ She goes, ‘Yeah, we should because we’re going to die and we should have it before we die.’ ‘Yeah, let’s go get frozen yogurt before we [die]. Happy fifth birthday! You didn’t die!'”

On How Any Parenting Moment Can Change EverythingOn How You Never Know What That Moment Is
“I turned [The Wolfman] on at the exact moment when his shirt is in tatters, blood everywhere, screaming at the camera. My daughter didn’t scream or cry; she did that thing where she got really still and her eyes got really wide and in my mind it’s implanting on her brain. And I saw into the future ,she’s a 26-year-old heroin addict going, ‘The heroin takes care of the werewolf nightmares dad, thanks.’ You do not know what’s going to screw them up.”

On How He’s Failing To Prepare His Daughter For The Future
“My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks alot, Dad. What are the amazing life safety skills you taught me: scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.'”

On How To Talk To Kids About Politics:

On Why You Should Go To Comic Con If You’re Trying To Conceive
“There’s a whole cluster of us, my friends and I, having babies, all within weeks of each other. A friend of ours pointed out that we all conceived in late July or early August — during or after the San Diego Comic-Con. She said, ‘You guys saw some chick dressed as Wonder Woman, got all hot and bothered, and then went and made a baby with your wives.’ Which is naïve and kind of gross. None of us were slinging +5 Conception Wands after seeing a chunky fan-girl stomping around in tights and a bustier. No, what gave us our Life-Spawning Hanzo Steel Trouser Swords was the early Terminator footage.”

[youtube expand=1] On The Unintended Consequences Of Potty Training
“We’re using this method we read about called the ‘treat box,’ and I actually heard myself the other night say, ‘If you want something out of the treat box you have to go pee pee.’ And that’s very benign, but I’m just so terrified that that thought will be going through her head later in life when she’s working in a strip club.”

On The Things You Hope To Pass On To Your Kids
“I’m having a daughter and I just hope that she gets my looks and personality. With this face and my outlook on life it’ll just be a sheet cake made of victory and talking owls.”