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Everything You Need To Know About Parenting in 9 Conan O’Brien Quotes

You know Conan O’Brien as the patron saint of comedy nerds everywhere. The giant ginger from Brookline, Massachusetts lead the Harvard Lampoon, wrote The Simpson‘s monorail episode, failed for years as a late night show before becoming one of the most celebrate men on TV. He was the one who said, before ending his NBC show, “Work hard. Be kind, and amazing things will happen.” When was the last time you gave your kid that kind of great advice? Don’t rack your brain trying to top that — just steal the collected wisdom from the man they call Coco:

On The Breakfast Of Champions:
“On Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed. All I have to say is, my 9-year-old makes a mean mojito.”

On Kids Getting Their Way :
“My daughter tricked me into getting her an Apple Watch by threatening to get a wrist tattoo.”

On Minecraft:
“There’s a new book coming out to help parents understand the game Minecraft. And there’s a new update for Minecraft to help kids understand what “a book” is.

On Mother’s Day Brunch Ideas
“On Mother’s Day, moms who go to Hooters can get a free meal with a drink purchase. Guys, this is the perfect way to tell your mother she raised a complete asshole.”

On Pets
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.”

On Parenting Tech
“An item unveiled at CES is a smart pacifier with a GPS system that will help you find your baby. The company expects the pacifier to be a huge hit with really shitty parents.”


On Tiger Fathering
“I’m what’s known as a ‘Tiger Dad.’ If my kids don’t get straight A’s, I threaten to practice the violin.”

On Spoiling His Kids
“I want my children to have as unhappy a childhood as I had. I don’t take my children to premiers. People are always giving me things for my children, ‘Oh Conan, these are for your children to promote the Disney movie,’ and I have a choice — I can send it to a hospital to donate it, or I can put in a woodchipper. I do the latter. But I make the sick children watch it being destroyed.”

On What You Kids Should Do With Their Dreams
“We live in a world where everyone thinks it’s their right to have their dream come true, and I want to see their dreams shattered.”