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Everything You Need To Know About Parenting From 8 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The latest season of Jerry Seinfeld’s online talk show, Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, premiered this week — a reminder that he remains as relevant a part of the cultural landscape as ever. In part, that’s because there’s a Seinfeld reference for every situation in life, even as the show approaches its 25th anniversary this Sunday. But he’s particularly relevant to you, because Seinfeld has also become a purveyor of parenting wisdom second only to Louis CK. If you don’t like these 8 bits of advice, be like Costanza and do the opposite. Just remember that he didn’t exactly have a model relationship with his parents.

On the guilelessness of kids:
“What I like about having kids is when they’re on the toilet and you knock on the door, they just go, ‘Come in.’ Nobody else does that — nobody just invites you in when they’re on the toilet, defecating.”

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On toddlers:
“A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

On bedtime routines:
“The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support. And I’ve gotta read 8 different moron books. You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!”

On teaching them grit:
“I’ll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times you’ve got to get something wrong until you get it right. And you hurt yourself. And you learn to do that trick, now you’ve got a life lesson. Whenever I see those skateboard kids, I think, ‘Those kids will be all right.'”

On why today’s society leads to over-parenting:
“Do you want to hear my latest theory? It’s a little far-fetched. We feel so guilty for destroying that innocence — which is what we did — so we’re now trying to repair that by creating perfect childhoods for our children. The reason we overdo it so much is because we feel so bad about it.”


On making sure they’re not entitled:
“You know what I say [when they ask if ‘we’re’ rich]? ‘I am. You’re not.'”

On the whole “Do as I say” thing:
“Kids are not going to do what you tell them to do or think like you tell them to think. Kids are watching how you deal with that waiter or that handyman, and they are probably more likely to imitate you.”

On why kids don’t, in fact, grow up too fast:
“People talk about how kids, how they grow up too fast. I feel like I can only take a year of each year: No more you as a 9-year-old — get me a 10-year-old.”

Seinfeld doesn’t just talk the talk when it comes to parenting — he and his wife run, a non-profit dedicated to ensuring economically disadvantaged parents have the products they need to raise healthy kids.