A wise man once said, “I care about my kids; I don’t care about your kids.” But, with the average newborn making their social media debut within an hour of birth these days, that guy probably suffers from the same thing you do: an Instagram feed that may as well be a daycare center at this point. Whether you find all this adorable or annoying, it’s important to remember that none of it is the kid’s fault. Rather, it’s the parent’s fault. And, specifically, it’s one of these parents’ fault:
The Personal Shopper
This parent has meticulously curated an adorably coordinated wardrobe for their kid that’s more expensive than anything they’ve ever bought themselves — and that’s just for this season. The kid is never in the same outfit twice, and you’ve never dressed better than them once.
The Sonny Koufax
The opposite of the above, named for Adam Sandler’s character in Big Daddy who let his adopted son name himself Frankenstein and wear whatever he wanted. If you catch yourself feeling overbearing compared with these hands-off parents, remember that Sonny had to be reminded to bathe his child. You’re doing fine.
This parent’s feed is loaded with photos of their kid picking dandelions in right field, chasing a soccer ball in a herd of other kids, getting trophies for showing up — basically doing lots of things that vaguely resemble actual athletics. Notable exception: Lebron, whose kids could school you right now.
The Mad Hashtagger
It’s become commonplace for parents to create personal hashtags for their kids, which is fine, since that’s kind of the point of hashtags. A hashtag novel depicting the time, place, theme, and feeling of the photo has also become commonplace, which is not fine, since that’s the point of emojis.
The Asshole Parent
Also known as Reasons My Son Is Crying with a provocative hashtag. Asshole parents aren’t really assholes (although if someone was taking your picture mid-breakdown you might think they were); they’re the self-deprecating reminders you need that your kid isn’t the only one who refuses to listen to logic and reason.
The Toys “R” Us Kid
Having a kid doesn’t mean you have to grow up. It means new toys!
The Pound Parent
You’ll know this Instagram parent right away by the telltale sign that there are no actual children in their pictures. Instead, they refer to dogs, cats, and all manner of wildlife as “fur babies,” and as such should be unfollowed.
Make no mistake, that photo of their child in child’s pose is actually a subtle humblebrag about how much calmer and more well-adjusted their family is than yours. Still, tiny handstands are the cutest.
If your kid makes you feel blissfully happy and contented, then fine, that word means what you think it means. But it’s probably time to find a new hashtag when #blessed turns up more than 4 million ‘grams of kittens, cupcakes, Starbucks (seriously), and way too many selfies of people who do not in fact know what that word means.
Considering the only thing millennials like to Instagram more than their kids is their meals, it’s a bit baffling that these parents haven’t yet had their viral moment. Quick, somebody wrap the kids in bacon!