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First things first: Dadbod has absolutely nothing to do with being a dad. Most of the dads I know actually have a better-than-the-non-dads chance at getting into some semblance of shape because they’re not drunk and eating f–king pizza all the time. #Dadbod is really just #postcollegebody.
Actual dadbod isn’t what happens when you’re drinking a lot of beer and eating pizza; it’s what happens when your metabolism slows down to the point that, no matter how much kale you eat and how much you work out, you still have a gut because you’re old. And you’re a dad.
You’re not like, “Yeah, I eat pizza and work out!” You’re like, “My doctor won’t let me eat pizza anymore and I’m working out all the f–king time because I can afford this pretty decent gym membership. So, why am I still kind of fat?” If you go on a major diet and work out a lot and find that no matter what you do, you’re still kind of flabby? That is dad shit, right there.
This dadbod nonsense is just a bunch of guys (and, apparently, girls?) talking about being all fat and useless without actually being fat and useless. It’s no different than that guy who drinks 6 beers one Friday and is like, “Oh, I’m such an alcoholic,” when he just drank 6 beers one time.
Look, this is nothing new. Three years ago, Vanity Fair did a big “expose” on how all these Hollywood A-listers were shooting HGH because, even with their steady stream of studio backed, personal fitness expert-led exercise and diet regimes, they still looked old and soft when they took their shirts off.
Maybe guys will just go back to comb-overs and everyone will be like, “#Dadhair!”
It’s just nature — nature tells you: “Working out will no longer give you the same rewards, but look at this beautiful son/daughter you have! They’ll be totally ripped some day, and then they’ll get fat, too! But for a period of about 5 years, you’re going to see the best version of yourself in them, so take joy in that you fat old bastard.
You know you have dadbod when you can’t escape it. To paraphrase the old saying about marriage: #dadbod is a fad — a dad body is a sentence. Like, a prison sentence; not a grammatical structure. But, then, if you needed that bit explained to you, you probably have a #dadbod and not a dad body.
If we’re fetishizing getting fat, what the hell is next? Will belching in public become a thing? Maybe guys will give up on thinking they have a shot at super-hot Mark Messier-style baldness and just go back to comb-overs and everyone will be like, “#Dadhair!”
The jeans I’m wearing as I type this, the zipper doesn’t really work but otherwise I like the way they fit. I’m constantly pulling the zipper back up, so maybe that’s going to become a thing. I’ll just let it go and say, “#Dadzipper!” whenever someone points it out.
That’s it — that’s the new trend. Look for a bunch of articles about my dadzipper, and then a bunch of articles analyzing the first batch of articles. It’s going to be a hot summer for my trending genital area.
One last thing: this is the first I’ve heard of #dadbod, and I’m a week late on it, so I could be wrong about all of this.