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Dad To The Bone

Evolutionary Science Explains Why Humans Don’t Have Penis Bones

You’re going to have to explain a lot of weird things to your kid about their junk. And, if you’re raising a son, it might entail clearing up why boners don’t actually have bones. This can cause some confusion if you’ve never thought about it before, but the elusive dick bone, or baculum in more scientific circles, remains one of male evolution’s little (and average sized) mysteries.

arctic fox baculum

Arctic Fox Baculum | flickr / Travis

From mice, to dogs, to hedgehogs, everyone in the animal kingdom seemingly has them. Walruses sport ones that start at 2-feet long and resemble baseball bats (that’s why they’re the John Holmes of the sea). Even primates have structural reinforcements in their penis. Why couldn’t they couldn’t throw you a bone? Anthropologists have started to answer that question in a recent study.

After analyzing the anatomy and mating practices of thousands of mammals dating back as far as 145 million years ago, researchers noticed a few things. Species that evolved recently, like humans, were less likely to have bones. Over the course of evolution, bones were also linked with sex that lasted more than 3 minutes. Yes, the authors of the study suspect that humans lost them due to increasingly quicker sex and decreased competition for mates. Wham, bam — thank you anthropology?

40 year old virgin catherine keener steve carrell

Besides the longer lovemaking sessions, penis bones were also a trait of the most sexually competitive species. These guys weren’t hopeless romantics, they just wanted to make sure the females got good and pregnant before they could run off with some other mate. Monogamy may not have stolen your freedom, but it’s entirely possible that it took the bone right out of your pants.

[H/T] Ars Technica

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