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Everything You Need To Know About Parenting In 9 John Oliver Quotes

Ever since he sat behind Jon Stewart’s Daily Show desk while “stew beef” was off directing Rosewater, you knew that British comedian John Oliver was destined for great, fake-news-anchor things. Last year Oliver got a new baby, a new HBO show (Last Week Tonight), and kept the same biting commentary on American politics. He’s taken on everything from the educational system, to paid leave, to the abomination that are oatmeal raisin cookies — and here’s how it can all be applied to parenting

On Packing Your Kids Craisins

“Cranberries, I think we can all agree, are nature’s most disgusting berry. Cranberries taste like cherries who hate you. Cranberries taste like what a raspberry drinks before a colonoscopy.”

On Your Dad Jokes

“The moment I accept that there’s an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I’ll get hooked.”

On Ordering A PSL Latte

“Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.”

John Oliver Last Week Tonight Season 2

On Teaching Your Teen About Consent

“Sex is like boxing — if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.”

On Standardized Tests

“A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.”

On Paid Maternity Leave

“Mothers — we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the f–k back to work.”

John Oliver Cookie Monster On Sesame Street

On Insidious Advertising To Kids

“Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie because no one f–king wants them there.”

On His Military Wife

“When you’ve married to someone who’s been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.”

On Paying For College

“Student debt is like HPV — if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.”

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