alcohol
Bottoms Up

Science Is Reasonably Convinced You Should Have A Drink Tonight

You can be forgiven for being a little confused about which of your dietary habits are killing you and which are going to make you live until forever. After all, bacon is now Public Enemy Number One according to the World Health Organization; meanwhile, the oldest lady in the world eats a plate of it every day. Fortunately, when it comes to the most important drink in most parents’ life (sorry, coffee), the fine folks at The Upshot have summarized the science and the result is in: Drinking some booze every day is a good thing.

First of all, it may keep your mind sharp in your old age. And it appears to have a positive effect on cholesterol, which used to only be attributed to red wine, but now appears to be the case with beer and spirits, as well. Even the killjoys at the journal Alcoholism: Clinical And Experimental Research agree with this study and that study, which say moderate drinking decreases your risk of death. Hell, when it comes to heart disease, researchers aren’t even sure moderation is a good thing — more might actually be better.

If that sounds too good to be true, that’s because it probably is. After all, drinking too much can lead to colorectal cancer, which tends to come with a free colostomy bag. Heavy drinkers may also run into issues with diabetes, and everyone already knows it’s hell on the liver. There’s also evidence that, if your wife tries to keep up with your drunk ass, she’s putting herself at risk for breast cancer.

So, to summarize: booze is good for the brain, the arteries, your life expectancy, and your heart. It’s not so great for your liver, your butt, or your wife’s boobs. And, while the cardiovascular pros might outweigh the cancer cons, none of the research accounts for the fact that parenting with a hangover is pure hell. If that doesn’t keep you from abusing the nectar of the Gods, you might want to check out those meetings.

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