But maybe you don’t want to wait for your tiny comedian to hone their roasting chops. Or perhaps looking in the mirror (or your pants) freaks you out. If that’s the case, there’s the site You’re Getting Old. Get ready to feel ancient.
The cruel, but awesome, data generator was created by a husband-and-wife team from the UK (who apparently can’t wait for it to be over). The site uses your birthday to calculate everything from the approximate amount of times your heart has beaten, to the amount of breaths you’ve taken, to the amount of birthday candles you’ve blown out. If you didn’t already feel like a car with some mileage on it, you will (yay!). But the fun doesn’t stop there. Stick around for the pie graph of all the people with your birthday that are alive and well, or very dead. Delicious.
Sure, time is just an infinitely divisible linear continuum twisted by the fallacy of human perception. So, who cares if it’s on your side? You’re Getting Old is simply an eerie and amusing way to remind yourself you’re definitely as old as you feel. That may be somewhere around 343,412,888 breaths old — stinky poop breaths, if your kid has anything to say about it. Look at that, your little Jeff Ross is coming along!