Admit it, at some point you’ve thought to yourself, “If only they gave out merit badges for being a little shit, my kid would be an Eagle Scout by now.” Well dust off the old needle and thread, buddy, because you’re about to decorate their sash with these hilarious, ingenious, not even a little bit Eagle Scout-sanctioned “Alternative Scouting Merit Badges” (although there’s actually such a thing — go figure).
That’s not to discriminate against delinquent cookie sellers, by the way. Girls are just as capable as boys at important real-world life skills like Mob Justice, Money Laundering, Cryptozoology, Necromancy, Mind Control, Invisibility, and of course Home Dentistry. Scout Leader supervision is definitely required for that last one.
Those are a few of the 16 badges dreamed up by London-based graphic designer Luke Drozd, based on his comic book, Threnodies, which “look(s) at the oddities in this world and beyond.” It’s in that “beyond” — “a world where scouting is much more fun” — where scouts are rewarded for the kinds of mischief, danger, and blatant disregard for human decency that scouts in the real world are warned to always be prepared against.
Drozd has yet to design badges for things like Temper Tantrums and Exploding Diapers, but only because either of those would still make your kid eligible for the Curses & Hexes badge. You can order them as a set of 16 or individually from Drozd’s website, where you can also find posters for a bunch of bands you might like and this “Cool Story, Bro” pin, which you can flash to your neighbor the next time they try to tell you about how their kid won the Pinewood Derby.