Just because it’s an illustrated children’s book doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be at the top of your holiday list. A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is a just-announced hardcover book that retells the story of John-McClane-versus-the-terrorists in the style of the poem, “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” And if unwrapping it on Christmas morning doesn’t make you yell “Yippee ki-yay, motherf*ck*r!” in yuletide joy, then nothing under that tree’s going to bring you holiday cheer.
Written by author and comedian Doogie Horner ⏤ who claims to have seen Die Hard a whopping 102 times ⏤ and illustrated by JJ Harrison, this 32-page telling of the action-packed tale you’ve come to know, love, and memorize is filled with mildly violent but vibrant illustrations and playful, rhyming narration. The drama jumps off the page with lines like:
“But John killed Tony with the very small feet and sent him to the terrorists as a yuletide treat.”
“He put a Santa hat on the German, and, eyes all aglow, wrote “Now I have a machine gun, ho-ho-ho.”
“The explosives were wired to the rooftop with care in hopes that the hostages soon would be there.”
And while definitely still not great for younger kids, it’s at least better than letting them watch the original movie. Or, god forbid, A Good Day to Die Hard, which was absolutely terrible.
The book hits stores on October 17 and Christmas trees on December 25. It can currently be pre-ordered online for $15.