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Who Needs Toilet Paper? These High-Tech Bidets Can Power-Wash Your Butt

Your only regret will be that you didn't switch sooner.

Toilet paper has no special powers in the face of a global pandemic. It won’t protect us from the coronavirus or fend off COVID-19, but faced with uncertainty, mixed messages, and the prospect of a long coronavirus quarantine, Americans bought up millions of rolls overnight, till the shelves of local grocery stores and Amazon warehouses alike were bare as bums. Why the run on toilet paper? It’s a household staple, sure, but it’s also symbolic of normalcy, good hygiene, and civilized life. It turns out the veneer of civilization is two-ply and cotton-soft, and our days are measured out 57 butt-chafing squares at a time. That’s the average daily usage per person, by the way, and it adds up to about 15 million trees and $6 billion a year.

Everyone poops, and how to keep one’s anus clean after departure of said poop is a real and major issue. But there’s no reason to submit your most delicate body parts to the harsh ministrations of toilet paper. There’s another way: the bidet way. The bidet — which attaches to your toilet seat and shoots a spray of clean water to wash away fecal and any other matter — is a bathroom staple elsewhere in the world for a host of excellent reasons: Since they use a water spray, rather than rolls and rolls of paper, they’re more hygienic, less wasteful, and less irritating to the skin, as well as more cost-effective (over time) and way more eco-friendly.

Introduced to the world by the French in the 18th century, the bidet has had a really crap time getting accepted in the U.S. Misunderstood, mocked, and reviled for decades, the bidet is suddenly looking pretty good. And thanks to the coronavirus, bidet-makers are seeing unprecedented demand in the U.S. — relative newcomer Tushy (see below) has reported a tenfold increase in orders.

Many modern bidets simply slide on to your existing toilet seat, attach easily to the same water source your toilet uses, and spray a clean stream of temperature-controlled water. The other option, of course, is toilet paper: Using suddenly scarce scratchy paper to awkwardly remove the remnants of poop without getting entirely clean and then tossing the filthy wads of said paper back into the landfill. Sounds civilized!

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The Best Bidet Toilet Seat Attachments

One of Amazon's most popular models, the GenieBidet has a nozzle that gives you a refreshing water cleanse, eliminating the need for harsh toilet paper. It has a contoured seat, and cleans both your butt and your frontal area. It's easy to install, easy to use, but not so easy on the eyes. Meaning, the nozzle is in plain view. But that being said, it gives you a very good cleaning and leaves you feeling nice and fresh.

The SlimEdge is a snap to install and has a nice, narrow profile. The dual-nozzle spray is easily adjusted with the turn of a knob. While there’s not a warm-water option, its low cost makes the SlimEdge a good choice for someone interested in testing out the bidet waters.

The Advanced Clean AC 2.0 is a combination toilet seat and bidet. It is so pleasant to use that it makes you forget you haven’t dropped a few grand on a whole unit. Two independent nozzles, custom water temperature and pressure, and a heated seat provide a true luxury experience. The entire thing is treated with an antimicrobial finish and is a great midrange option.

The Toto Washlet features a front and rear warm-water cleanse with adjustable temperature and pressure settings, plus a self-cleaning wand that is sanitized before and after each use. If you want the best, get this Washlet, which has a heated seat, a warm air dryer, and an automatic air deodorizer for less stank. If they built Versailles today, the Washlet would be in every bathroom. And the toilet bowl is misted before each use to keep it extra clean.

For those who want a less-permanent solution, we recommend the mobile Travel Washlet from the Japanese bidet master. This handheld push-button device sprays warmed water for an experience similar to Toto's permanent bidets. When not in use, the Travel Washlet collapses into a third of its extended size and packs away in the included carrying case.

The Tushy Bidet: A Day Spa for Your Derrière

Most of those who grew up overseas know all about simple, life-changing power of the bidet, which, after all, is nothing more than a refreshing mini-shower for your ass: It rinses away the waste, you use a tiny bit of toilet paper to dry off, and you’re done. It’s that simple. Especially when it’s hot out, when your undercarriage can feel a bit, well, swampy, the bidet resets your day.

Founded in 2015, Tushy is on a mission, not just to sell bidets, but to persuade a whole generation to adopt a mostly TP-free lifestyle — for the good of our bodies, the planet, and other people. Awesome and affordable, the Tushy water sprayers come in a variety of cool finishes, slide on to your existing toilet seat, attach easily to the same water source your toilet uses, and come with a self-cleaning nozzle. The slim apparatus is stupidly simple to install and can be done in 10 minutes, tops.  It’s also stupidly easy to use. You figure out whether you want your frontal area or nether regions washed, select your water pressure, and turn the dial: A refreshing blast of cool water gives you a speedy, refreshing cleanse.

Tushy’s bidets come in single- and dual-temp editions, but both get the job done. Once you go bidet, you never go back.

The Tushy bidet keeps your bum clean. And it installs in minutes. Now, the Tushy does require some practice to get the hang of it. On a first try, there's a good chance water will shoot out all over the floor. Second try, slightly better. But by the third, you won't remember your life without it. You'll use a fraction of the toilet paper you needed before. And you won't be wasting time or corrupting the environment with baby wipes.

Tushy also offers a portable squeeze bottle, which gives you a refreshing spray of cool water when you’re on the go out in bidet-hostile TP territory, and a toilet ottoman — billed as a “stool for your stool” — that can help relieve constipation and support healthy bowel movements, and it’s also beautifully designed and just looks great.

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